Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Parents and caregivers already had to wear many hats, like chef, house cleaner, chauffeur, and conflict mediator. But with a global pandemic, school closures, and a shelter in place order, the number of hats has multiplied! Along with becoming a teacher overnight, many parents/caregivers have found themselves trying to navigate how to emotionally support their children and answer difficult questions. Many of these questions cannot be answered by experts and world leaders, so how are we supposed to ease children’s fears? Hopefully, the following can give you some ideas. 

Step 1: Put your oxygen mask on first. 

The first step in helping children manage emotions is first helping ourselves manage emotions. This is a totally new experience for all of us. It is absolutely understandable to feel nervous and anxious. However, if our goal is to help comfort our child, it is vitally important that we are in a calm and regulated space to do that. How do you get to that space? There are many ways and no one strategy will work for everyone, but limiting yourself to only necessary media coverage, engaging in activities that bring you joy, talking to friends/family, focusing on positivity instead of fear and uncertainty, and practicing gratefulness are all great strategies. Taking care of ourselves is the best thing we can do to take care of our children. By taking care of ourselves, we model for our children the importance of self-care and send the message that learning healthy ways to manage emotions is important.

Step 2: Use developmentally appropriate and supportive language.

We want to talk to our 5 year-old with different words than we use with our 14 year-old. In both scenarios, it is important to answer questions honestly. Kids of all ages know when things are off. They pick up on more than we think. The best way to address difficult questions is with careful honesty. What I mean by this is to answer their questions in ways that are honest and age appropriate. For example, when speaking to a 5-year-old about what is happening in the world, it might be best to say something like, “There is a new kind of sickness going around that scientists and doctors are still figuring out. We need to spend most of our time at home right now to help keep ourselves and others healthy.” You would probably not be using the word “pandemic” with your 5 year-old, but you might with a 14 year-old. We do not want children to think we are not telling them the truth, but we also want to be mindful of what developmentally they can understand. Kids will only ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. Try not to over explain, only answer what they are asking. 

How many of us have said, “don’t worry about it” to our children? Probably all of us. In the moment, this can seem like a quick way to respond to a child’s worry, but it can be perceived by children as dismissive. By telling someone to “not worry” it doesn’t actually help a child learn how to navigate feelings and anxieties, instead it suggests that worry is like a light switch that can easily be turned on and off. (Wouldn’t that be nice!) Instead, a child might respond better to an approach that includes validating their feelings, normalizing their experiencing, and reassuring them of your love and support. Validating feelings is when we communicate to others that whatever they are feeling is okay. There are no wrong feelings. Normalizing feelings is when we broaden the scope and remind children that they are not the only ones feeling what they are feeling. In terms of feeling worried about the coronavirus, most of the world likely feels the same way! It can be helpful to remind little ones that they are not alone. Reassurance is reminding our children that we love them and that we will do our job as parents/caregivers: take care of them. 

Here is an example of how using these techniques might translate into a conversation with a child. If a child expresses feeling worried about coronavirus, you can validate the feeling (“Yeah, I think all the talk about coronavirus can make people feel worried. It’s totally normal to feel worried at a time like this.”), normalize their experience (“I think a lot of people feel that way right now. I bet most of the kids in your class have the same kinds of worries.”), and reassure the child (“My job is to keep you safe. I love you and our family is a team. We will figure this out together.”) If you think about how you might feel when someone tells you “don’t worry about it” versus how you might feel when someone takes the time to work through your feelings and concerns in a supportive way, I imagine most of us would prefer the latter. Another added benefit is that this type of response sets the groundwork for children to learn ways to manage feelings and solve problems in the future. (Pro Tip: Maintaining eye contact with your child and getting on their level can also be very beneficial!)

Step 3: Use this time as an opportunity. 

Life is all about perspective. We could look at school closures and the shelter in place order through the lens of fear and boredom, or use the lens of opportunity. How many times before has your family been able to spend this much uninterrupted time together? We are all so busy, especially our children, that family game night and taco Tuesday sometimes get forgotten. Our children will most likely remember the “Coronavirus Pandemic” throughout their life, just like other generations remember the terrorist attack on 9/11, the explosion of the Challenger Space Shuttle, the assassination of JFK, and Pearl Harbor. As parents/caregivers, we have the chance to color this experience for our children in a supportive light. Sure, our children will remember the school closures, sports being canceled, and not being able to see their friends. But, they can also remember the epic family music video they made, having a picnic in the living room, the Top Chef style cooking competition, or stomping in mud puddles. Again, children model what they see. If they see parents/caregivers having fun, laughing, and enjoying this family time, children are likely to do the same. These activities will not only provide us with enjoyment and priceless memories, they will also increase our sense of well-being and security.

Step 4: Focus on what we can control

Kids thrive with structure and routine. Actually, structure and routine are important for all of us. They provide comfort and predictability. In times such as these, it may be extremely difficult to maintain a structure and routine, but the more we can, the less chaotic things will feel. Focus on keeping in place what you can (bedtime, dinnertime, etc.) and discuss any changes that are outside of your control (we will be doing our school learning at home for now) while planning for flexibility to accommodate the continued change. We are all rolling with the punches. The best we can do is plan for what we know, and adjust when something new comes up. Being upfront with our children about that can go a long way. 

This is a new and uncharted situation, but isn’t that most of parenting? If there was a job description for parenting, most of what we do would fall into the “other duties as assigned” category. I encourage you to think about all the situations you have navigated through before this and what you learned from them. At the end of the day, kids need to feel safe and loved. As long as we keep taking care of ourselves, keep open lines of supportive communication, practice positivity, and maintain a semblance of routine, we will help our children make it through this uncertain time. And hopefully, we can make some memories along the way.

Marie Mullins, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with over 5 years of professional counseling experience. Marie earned her Master’s degree in Human Development Counseling from Bradley University in 2013 and currently works full-time as a Psychotherapist and Certified Diabetes Educator in a hospital clinic setting. Her areas of expertise and special interest include chronic illness, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment issues, disordered eating, addiction, ADHD, Veteran’s concerns, and career counseling.

Kristen Brosch is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with 6 years of experience. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology from Illinois State University and a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Bradley University. Kristen has worked in a variety of settings, including residential treatment, a psychiatric hospital diversion program, outpatient clinics, and foster care agencies. Kristen specializes in the treatment of mood disorders, including anxiety and depression, PTSD and other trauma-related disorders, stress management, adjustment disorder, and issues related to foster care/adoption.