The Contract
Very often couples come into therapy as a “last resort” or to say to themselves they did everything they could. When I hear couples say that, I ask them “If this is the case are you open to this process, a process that may change you and/or your dynamic with your spouse?
I explain to couples in the very first session that marriage is a set up. You pick a day and in front of your family and friends you promise the world to each other not knowing what the world has in store for you. You promise things like, for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. I tell my clients to go home and write out their marriage vows like a contract and read through it and see if they would sign it. There are a lot of things in that contract that are not defined or spelled out.
Maybe a broad contract like that in the beginning suited you both well. As time goes on we grow as individuals, life circumstances change and people interact with each other differently and than go ahead and add a little stress like family of origin, finances and children. Marriage tends to be one of the only contracts in life that we don’t openly renegotiate. Like other contracts in our lives whether it is a lease or mortgage most contracts have times limits on them. Time limits so you can revaluate if the terms are working for you or not at the place you are in your life. Our marital contract should be no different. I encourage couples to define their marital contract. What is working for you? What is not working for you? What has worked for you in the past that is not currently working? Our marital contract should be a working framework and ongoing conversation . We should change and update what is being renegotiated in the contract and updated things as our lives change, as we change.
If your marriage is not working for you that is a good indication that you need to renegotiate the terms of your contract. Sometimes redeveloping the framework can help other things fall into place. By redeveloping the framework it is possible to increase and improve communication, break negative or repetitive cycles. It is possible to find opportunity in the middle of a crisis.
This has always been a good place to start with couples who have had so much happen they are not sure where to start. It allows them to think about what would make them happy in the marriage if it were to change. How they may feel differently if those changes were mutually agreed upon with their spouse.
I have met couples who are so discouraged they do not believe change is even possible. I tell them if both of them are willing to try they have a pretty good shot at things being better. The only time I have ever seen marriage not work out is when you have one person who is not willing to try.
Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.
