Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Parents and caregivers already had to wear many hats, like chef, house cleaner, chauffeur, and conflict mediator. But with a global pandemic, school closures, and a shelter in place order, the number of hats has multiplied! Along with becoming a teacher overnight, many parents/caregivers have found themselves trying to navigate how to emotionally support their children and answer difficult questions. Many of these questions cannot be answered by experts and world leaders, so how are we supposed to ease children’s fears? Hopefully, the following can give you some ideas. 

Step 1: Put your oxygen mask on first. 

The first step in helping children manage emotions is first helping ourselves manage emotions. This is a totally new experience for all of us. It is absolutely understandable to feel nervous and anxious. However, if our goal is to help comfort our child, it is vitally important that we are in a calm and regulated space to do that. How do you get to that space? There are many ways and no one strategy will work for everyone, but limiting yourself to only necessary media coverage, engaging in activities that bring you joy, talking to friends/family, focusing on positivity instead of fear and uncertainty, and practicing gratefulness are all great strategies. Taking care of ourselves is the best thing we can do to take care of our children. By taking care of ourselves, we model for our children the importance of self-care and send the message that learning healthy ways to manage emotions is important.

Step 2: Use developmentally appropriate and supportive language.

We want to talk to our 5 year-old with different words than we use with our 14 year-old. In both scenarios, it is important to answer questions honestly. Kids of all ages know when things are off. They pick up on more than we think. The best way to address difficult questions is with careful honesty. What I mean by this is to answer their questions in ways that are honest and age appropriate. For example, when speaking to a 5-year-old about what is happening in the world, it might be best to say something like, “There is a new kind of sickness going around that scientists and doctors are still figuring out. We need to spend most of our time at home right now to help keep ourselves and others healthy.” You would probably not be using the word “pandemic” with your 5 year-old, but you might with a 14 year-old. We do not want children to think we are not telling them the truth, but we also want to be mindful of what developmentally they can understand. Kids will only ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. Try not to over explain, only answer what they are asking. 

How many of us have said, “don’t worry about it” to our children? Probably all of us. In the moment, this can seem like a quick way to respond to a child’s worry, but it can be perceived by children as dismissive. By telling someone to “not worry” it doesn’t actually help a child learn how to navigate feelings and anxieties, instead it suggests that worry is like a light switch that can easily be turned on and off. (Wouldn’t that be nice!) Instead, a child might respond better to an approach that includes validating their feelings, normalizing their experiencing, and reassuring them of your love and support. Validating feelings is when we communicate to others that whatever they are feeling is okay. There are no wrong feelings. Normalizing feelings is when we broaden the scope and remind children that they are not the only ones feeling what they are feeling. In terms of feeling worried about the coronavirus, most of the world likely feels the same way! It can be helpful to remind little ones that they are not alone. Reassurance is reminding our children that we love them and that we will do our job as parents/caregivers: take care of them. 

Here is an example of how using these techniques might translate into a conversation with a child. If a child expresses feeling worried about coronavirus, you can validate the feeling (“Yeah, I think all the talk about coronavirus can make people feel worried. It’s totally normal to feel worried at a time like this.”), normalize their experience (“I think a lot of people feel that way right now. I bet most of the kids in your class have the same kinds of worries.”), and reassure the child (“My job is to keep you safe. I love you and our family is a team. We will figure this out together.”) If you think about how you might feel when someone tells you “don’t worry about it” versus how you might feel when someone takes the time to work through your feelings and concerns in a supportive way, I imagine most of us would prefer the latter. Another added benefit is that this type of response sets the groundwork for children to learn ways to manage feelings and solve problems in the future. (Pro Tip: Maintaining eye contact with your child and getting on their level can also be very beneficial!)

Step 3: Use this time as an opportunity. 

Life is all about perspective. We could look at school closures and the shelter in place order through the lens of fear and boredom, or use the lens of opportunity. How many times before has your family been able to spend this much uninterrupted time together? We are all so busy, especially our children, that family game night and taco Tuesday sometimes get forgotten. Our children will most likely remember the “Coronavirus Pandemic” throughout their life, just like other generations remember the terrorist attack on 9/11, the explosion of the Challenger Space Shuttle, the assassination of JFK, and Pearl Harbor. As parents/caregivers, we have the chance to color this experience for our children in a supportive light. Sure, our children will remember the school closures, sports being canceled, and not being able to see their friends. But, they can also remember the epic family music video they made, having a picnic in the living room, the Top Chef style cooking competition, or stomping in mud puddles. Again, children model what they see. If they see parents/caregivers having fun, laughing, and enjoying this family time, children are likely to do the same. These activities will not only provide us with enjoyment and priceless memories, they will also increase our sense of well-being and security.

Step 4: Focus on what we can control

Kids thrive with structure and routine. Actually, structure and routine are important for all of us. They provide comfort and predictability. In times such as these, it may be extremely difficult to maintain a structure and routine, but the more we can, the less chaotic things will feel. Focus on keeping in place what you can (bedtime, dinnertime, etc.) and discuss any changes that are outside of your control (we will be doing our school learning at home for now) while planning for flexibility to accommodate the continued change. We are all rolling with the punches. The best we can do is plan for what we know, and adjust when something new comes up. Being upfront with our children about that can go a long way. 

This is a new and uncharted situation, but isn’t that most of parenting? If there was a job description for parenting, most of what we do would fall into the “other duties as assigned” category. I encourage you to think about all the situations you have navigated through before this and what you learned from them. At the end of the day, kids need to feel safe and loved. As long as we keep taking care of ourselves, keep open lines of supportive communication, practice positivity, and maintain a semblance of routine, we will help our children make it through this uncertain time. And hopefully, we can make some memories along the way.

Marie Mullins, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with over 5 years of professional counseling experience. Marie earned her Master’s degree in Human Development Counseling from Bradley University in 2013 and currently works full-time as a Psychotherapist and Certified Diabetes Educator in a hospital clinic setting. Her areas of expertise and special interest include chronic illness, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment issues, disordered eating, addiction, ADHD, Veteran’s concerns, and career counseling.

Kristen Brosch is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with 6 years of experience. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology from Illinois State University and a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Bradley University. Kristen has worked in a variety of settings, including residential treatment, a psychiatric hospital diversion program, outpatient clinics, and foster care agencies. Kristen specializes in the treatment of mood disorders, including anxiety and depression, PTSD and other trauma-related disorders, stress management, adjustment disorder, and issues related to foster care/adoption.

Perspective is Everything Especially in COVID- 19

When we have hiccups in our lives or the unexpected comes, we normally will ground ourselves in our routines. Knowing what to expect day in and day out can allow us to cope better with these unexpected things. So what happens when the very unexpected comes up like a worldwide pandemic and your daily routine is disrupted to its core. 

All of a sudden you are working from home, the kids are home all day and school is being done online. You are thinking “ How did I get here?” Even your normal drive to and from work where you may make some phone calls, listen to music, catch up on your audiobook, is no longer normal. Your commute is now walking to your home office and being ready to work on demand without having the drive to mentally prepare for your day, or the drive home to decompress from your day and switching out of work mode into home mode. 

Then, add on top of this, that there are very few people in our lifetime who can remember a time like this where physical, social, emotional or financial disruption all collide together at the same time. It is easy to get overwhelmed. 

So what do we do with all this besides getting overwhelmed? How do we lean into uncertainty?

Look at what you have control over. The only thing we have control over in our lives is ourselves. We control how we think about things, the lens we choose to see the world through and how we respond to others. So when everything outside of you feels out of control, look internally to what you can control. Ask yourself, how is my attitude about the situation? How is my view of the people around me? How do I talk to myself internally? Everything starts with you. Try it! Instead of using time and energy trying to change things outside of you, direct that energy inward and be aware, conscious, and intentional about things. Then, watch how your external world can change. 

Be present. What is going on at this moment? Don't look too far back or too far ahead. Trust that the lessons you needed to learn from the past are with you. Thinking about the future will allow your creative mind to run wild. Ever notice how we worry about all the possible things that we think could happen, but they rarely ever do. Be in the moment. Make the best decisions in uncertain times based on the information you have in front of you, at that moment. When you are present you are more efficient, more effective, your focus will increase and you will fully experience what is happening. Most people can tolerate the present moment. It is when we try to experience the present moment while contemplating the past, and worrying about the future, is when we feel our world starts to spin and the stress levels increase. 

Anything you feed will grow. If you feed positive you will see, find and experience the positive, the helpers, the compassion, the lightworkers, the generosity and so much more. If you feed the negative You will find all the people whose paths make yours more difficult. Situations will look like they have no solution. You may feel that everyone else is better off than you. You may compare yourself to others. Be aware of what you are feeding. What you feed greatly impacts not only your mood but your interactions with others. Pay attention to what you are feeding, is it something you want to grow?

Everything is temporary. Every season, situation and circumstance is temporary. I always say if you don’t like where you are in life wait for a little. Life is fluid. It is always changing and we never stay in the same place mentally or emotionally for very long. When things seem insurmountable just barely tolerate where you are at or what you are feeling. It will change, it always does. Whether that is uncertainty, depression, anxiety or even grief we never stay in the same space. Life is always forward-moving and we move with it or be dragged. There are times where our patience will be tested, with the COVID-19 situation. Just hang in there and hang on. 

Letting everything be as it should and having no expectations allows the experience to bring to you what it is supposed to. Even though COVID-19 is a horrible virus that is making so many people sick, and people are losing their lives, we are also seeing unity in certain parts of the country and world, sincere compassion, people taking extra time to help others, the environment healing itself. People are checking in and on each other. There have been so many times where I have looked at the calendar recently and said: “I wish I had more time.” Now, my calendar is suddenly completely wide open. My evenings are free from running kids from place to place, doing homework or track meets. Although I miss those things, I know this is temporary, everything is temporary. Here is an opportunity to pause and reset. There is an opportunity in some of the hardest circumstances to teach our kids that when faced with the uncertainty of health, finances, and disruption of their daily life, that resiliency is present and possible. We will have tangible examples of resiliency, from this COVID-19 experience, to show them. These examples of resiliency will be things they can carry with them throughout their life. 

So know that perspective is everything. The way you look at something or someone ties directly to the way you respond to that something or someone. If you don’t know where to start, know that the highest form of control in life is self-control. Be present so you can make the best decisions for yourself at the moment and anything you feed will grow. Know that everything is temporary and find the resiliency in every person and every situation. 

We are in the storm, sometimes the rain brings destruction but sometimes it can also bring the most amazing rainbows. 

Jori Sparry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She graduated from Central Connecticut State University with a major in Psychology and a minor in Religious Studies.
 She believes in any crisis there is an opportunity for growth. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post-traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety and with military service members and their families.

COVID- 19 Adjusting to the New Norm

We are all aware, our world is looking and feeling like a very different place right now. We as a country are facing circumstances that are forcing us to live a temporary yet difficult new norm. We have all heard the news about COVID-19 and are aware of the recommendations: wash your hands, stay home as much as possible and practice social distancing. While I strongly encourage you to remain informed, constant exposure to the news and media can understandably leave us with insurmountable anxiety and uncertainty. 

It is normal to have questions and worries during this time. It would be easy to get caught up in checking for the next update and wondering “Did we prepare enough?” “Did we get everything we need from the store?” “What are we going to find out today?” Allow yourself to notice those thoughts and to acknowledge the feeling of uncertainty. 

However, I also urge us as a whole to shift our focus. What CAN we do? How can we stay calm, take care of ourselves and those we love while doing what we need to do to remain informed and prepared? 

Things to consider:

Be present. However you are choosing to spend your time indoors, I urge you to be present. If you’re playing a game with your kids, then do just that. Play the game. Turn off the tv, put your phone away for a while and be engaged with those immediately around you. Laugh, tell jokes, ask questions and get to know each other in ways you haven’t yet. If you’re cooking, then do just that. Cook. Try a new recipe you’ve been putting off because there wasn’t enough time before. Bake a dessert you normally wouldn’t bake. Bring the kids in to help and let go of all expectations. Let them get messy. I promise you, they are going to remember the time they laughed and made a messy dessert with you more than what it might end up looking or tasting like. This is a great opportunity for us to model for our kids how we can respond in times of crisis. Even in uncertainty, there is an opportunity to create positive memories with your kids. We don’t want fear to determine their memories of this time.

Be flexible. Have a routine while allowing flexibility. Maybe bedtime is a little later tonight. That’s ok. Maybe there’s a little more screen time than usual. That’s ok too. Don’t beat yourself up with what you “should” be doing during this time. It’s going to look different for everyone. Do try to keep some level of routine for kids because it does help them remain grounded in knowing what to expect. For instance, having meals around the same time, naps around the same time and structure for school work will all be very beneficial.

Breathe, really breathe. Take a deep breath from down in your diaphragm. Count to 3 while you inhale. Pause for 4, and exhale for 5. Do it again. Slowly. Do this throughout the day as a way to really check in with yourself and to practice being aware of your breath and your body. 

Exercise. Find ways to move your body. Even if it’s for 15 minutes. Stretch, do yoga or do high-intensity exercises that don’t require a gym or equipment. Youtube has endless amounts of free exercises you can do from home.

Stay connected. Lastly, social distancing doesn’t mean disconnection. We thankfully live in a time where we have significant access to technology, which means we have the ability to stay socially connected through FaceTime, Snapchat, Facebook, phone calls, texting and so forth. Maybe even consider writing and mailing a letter to someone you love. A nice surprise is for someone during a time of forced separation. So while we may need to be physically distancing ourselves from one another, let’s not allow that to translate to being socially disconnected. Be intentional. Reach out, say hi and stay connected.

This is a great opportunity for us to model for our kids how we can respond in times of crisis. Remember the days of saying “I don’t have enough time?” We can use this “new and temporary norm”  as an intentional way to think about how we spend the time we now have. 

Amanda Wetzel is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. She is a full-time therapist working with families to improve their quality of life in the home, school, and community. Amanda has experience working with children, adolescents and adults. Her areas of focus include posttraumatic stress, other trauma or stressor-related disorders, adjustment disorders, stress management, depression, and anxiety.