Communication Skills

I have been working with families for over 20 years. I have come to realize that a lack of effective communication is at the center of most negative family conflicts. Disagreements are natural and they are not the problem. The dysfunction arises when family members do not believe that their opinions are being heard or respected. Active Listening is one of the most important elements of good communication. To be most effective, a listener should show interest and empathy in what the speaker is saying. Here are some tips to you about an issue or concern they have:

1. Validate: Show your positive feelings about the other person talking to you. Example: “I am really glad that we are talking about his”.
2. Paraphrase: Repeat in your own words what you think the speaker is saying to check for facts and meaning. Example: “So what you are telling me is that you are angry that your brother took your bike”.
3. Reflect: Repeat the main ideas and feelings that the speaker has expressed. Example: “I can tell that you are really angry about this…”
4. Clarify: Ask questions to help you clearly understand what the speaker is saying. Example: “Can you explain to me again what she did to upset you?”
5. Pay Attention: Use encouraging phrases like “right” “yes” “sure” “go on” and nonverbal cues like nodding and making eye contact. This lets the speaker know that you are interested in what they are saying. 
6. Listen for feelings: Try and understand the feelings behind what the person is saying. This is even more important that the words they are saying. Tell the person “It sounds as though you are feeling…”

The next time a conflict arises in your home, try these tips to actively listen before you react or respond. You may be surprised by how positively the other person will respond and you may even be able to stop a conflict from escalating. 

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.