Parenting Adult Children
As a counselor I am often helping people figure out how to manage relationships in their lives. One of the trickier ones seems to be between adults and their parents. When you picture having kids you picture babies and small children. We often forget that these little beings turn into adults someday and yet are still your kids.
This relationship can be difficult on both ends. Those in the 20s, 30s, and 40s have certain wants/needs when it comes to relationships with their parents. Those in their 50s and beyond are trying to figure out the line as well. Throw some grandkids into the mix and it can seem like a mess at times.
So what are some of these big issues and the best ways to handle them? Well the Facebook status on this one would read…it’s complicated. But let’s sort through a few common struggles.
- My adult child moved back in after college and is driving me crazy….what do I do?
This is happening all too frequently these days with the economy making it tough for new grads to find a job. I think a good rule of thumb on this one is to sit everyone involved down and set some clear rules and expectations. The topics you want to be crystal clear on are how long your child can stay and what you expect them to contribute (rent, bills, chores, groceries ect.). Make sure everyone is in agreement on this and I would suggest even writing up a little informal agreement for everyone to sign.
- I want to spend time with my grandchildren but my kids are asking me to babysit them all the time.
This comes up frequently in sessions. Parent of young kids of course would love all the help and much needed breaks they can get. Grandparents have different wants/needs on this one. A good idea is to have all the adults involved sit down and discuss everyone’s wants or needs. Grandparents, be clear about how often you are willing to help out with the Grandkids and how long (2 hours, an overnight here or there ect.) Remember parents are exhausted and looking for some breaks, so it is great to help. Parents need to remember that Grandparents have a life too. It may not be their dream come true to spend countless hours with your kids. That does not mean they do not love you all.
- I do not like the way my adult children parent their kids. What should I say or do?
Bottom line on this one is that it is the parents’ job to decide how to parent their kids. If you have major concerns about your grandkids well being then yes you should talk to your adult child in private about your concerns. Otherwise it is often best not share your opinion unless you are asked.
- When the Grandparents babysit, they don’t follow my rules? It takes me a week to undo the spoiling.
Its true Grandparents love to spoil kids! And sometimes they find your rules silly and unnecessary. However can you really complain about free babysitting when you really needed that night out or overnight with your husband? Again this is about open communication. If you REALLY feel that the grandparent(s) behavior is going to harm your child in some way then sit down and talk to them. If they are unwilling to change then you may consider limiting time or being there to supervise during visits. However if it is just some good old fashion grandparent spoiling…consider lightening up a little. Ice cream for dinner on occasion never hurt anyone.
Grandparents can be a wonderful support system and an important part of your child’s life. All too often I hear of parents withholding time from grandkids over disagreements and hurt feelings about the above mentioned issues. This is so devastating for everyone involved. If you are struggling with these issues try to all sit down together and talk as adults. Come up with a plan that meets everyone’s needs. Or consider having a counselor help you and your family come up with a good plan.
Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.
