Communication Road Blocks

Communication Roadblocks:

In the last blog, I talked about the importance of effective communication in helping decrease family conflicts and dysfunction. I said that “active listening” is one of the most important elements of good communication. This month, I would like to discuss some common Communication Roadblocks. Roadblocks prevent effective communication and can make disagreements or conflicts worse. Recognizing when you are contributing to poor communication by doing these roadblocks will help you learn to express your thoughts and feelings more effectively and open the lines of communication between you and your loved ones.

1. Blaming or accusing: Finding someone “guilty” even before you hear the other person’s side. “It’s your fault that this happened”.
2. Interrupting: Cutting in with your own comments before the other person has a chance to finish talking.
3. Threatening: Trying to intimidate someone to make them do what you want.
4. Mind-Reading: Jumping to conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.
5. Sarcasm: Suggesting that you don’t believe what the other person is saying or saying something to try and “one up” the other person.
6. Name calling and insulting: Enough said…if you are calling someone a name or insulting them, you are not trying to effectively communicate with them or resolve a conflict. You are letting them know that you don’t respect them or care about what they are saying.
7. Sweeping generalizations: Putting someone in a defensive position by exaggerating their behavior. This occurs when you use words like “always” “never” “every time”.
8. Judging: Assuming an air of being on a “higher level”.
9. Changing the subject: Not keeping to the point of an argument shows that you are not interested in what the other person is saying.

I frequently review these common roadblocks with families and couples when I am teaching communication skills and trying to help them learn how to effectively resolve their conflicts. When you begin to pay attention to these roadblocks, I think you will be surprised to learn how frequently you may use them. For example, I know that my son does not always leave his clothes on the floor of the room…it just feels that way sometimes ☺

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

Communication Skills

I have been working with families for over 20 years. I have come to realize that a lack of effective communication is at the center of most negative family conflicts. Disagreements are natural and they are not the problem. The dysfunction arises when family members do not believe that their opinions are being heard or respected. Active Listening is one of the most important elements of good communication. To be most effective, a listener should show interest and empathy in what the speaker is saying. Here are some tips to you about an issue or concern they have:

1. Validate: Show your positive feelings about the other person talking to you. Example: “I am really glad that we are talking about his”.
2. Paraphrase: Repeat in your own words what you think the speaker is saying to check for facts and meaning. Example: “So what you are telling me is that you are angry that your brother took your bike”.
3. Reflect: Repeat the main ideas and feelings that the speaker has expressed. Example: “I can tell that you are really angry about this…”
4. Clarify: Ask questions to help you clearly understand what the speaker is saying. Example: “Can you explain to me again what she did to upset you?”
5. Pay Attention: Use encouraging phrases like “right” “yes” “sure” “go on” and nonverbal cues like nodding and making eye contact. This lets the speaker know that you are interested in what they are saying. 
6. Listen for feelings: Try and understand the feelings behind what the person is saying. This is even more important that the words they are saying. Tell the person “It sounds as though you are feeling…”

The next time a conflict arises in your home, try these tips to actively listen before you react or respond. You may be surprised by how positively the other person will respond and you may even be able to stop a conflict from escalating. 

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

HOW ONE SMALL CHANGE CAN GREATLY IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

A 30 DAY WELLNESS CHALLENGE

Small lifestyle changes are often a catalyst for big life changes.  I am always encouraging people to make one small change and see how it affects them.  It is a hard concept for people to wrap their minds around.  I sometimes need reminders myself and recently had a big light bulb moment in my own life of how true this can be.

I gave up gluten for 30 days because of some stomach and skin issues I was having.  I had heard that more and more people were having gluten sensitivities and that many people suffer from “wheat belly” and do not even realize that they feel awful because the way wheat is processed in the foods we eat.  

I was really not excited about this but with my face breaking out at the age of 38 and having stomach aches all the time…it was definitely worth a try.  I tried to keep an open mind and experiment with gluten free recipes.  In the end I realized that I felt so much better off the gluten that it was totally worth the change of diet and I plan to make limiting gluten a permanent lifestyle change.

What I was not expecting was that making this one change in my life would have a domino effect that it did in other areas.  I’m thrilled that my face has cleared up and my stomach no longer aches on a daily basis.  But I have also learned so much more by allowing myself to go through this process.

For 30 days I really had to pay attention to what situations I would normally, mindlessly eat or drink things that are bad for me (not just because of the gluten).  I started noticing all the times I would have had a beer, a cookie, a slice of pizza or a piece of garlic bread.  It was a constant daily effort to say no to the things I would normally mindlessly eat and drink just because it had become a habit.  Like most people, I would “reward” myself with food or drink during or after a stressful day.  What I did not fully realize was that it was actually making me feel worse and giving me less energy.

I had to find other outlets for stress during the 30 days.  I started exercising more, reading more and talking to my husband about my stressors.  I began drinking water and herbal tea at night and ditching the after work cocktail.  I also started playing more with my kids because my energy was increasing in general.  Not only did I start feeling physically better, I started feeling better emotionally and more connected to the people I care about.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to give up gluten.  But for most of us, there is a small change we could make that would trigger some big improvements in life.  I challenge everyone who is looking for a jump start to leading a happier life to pick ONE small thing to change or try.  Stick to it for 30 days and notice what happens in your life.  Below is a list of things you could consider trying (just pick one or come up with your own).  I would love to hear about what you decided to change and how it impacted your life.  Feel free to post about it on our Facebook page or in our comment section.

GOOD LUCK AND LIVE WELL☺

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for 30 days.
2. Stay off social media or TV for 30 days.
3. Go on a 30 minute walk everyday for 30 days.
4. Write in a journal once a day for 30 days.
5. Compliment your spouse once a day for 30 days.
6. Play one 15 minute game with your kids each day for 30 days.
7. Eat a salad for lunch every day for 30 days.
8. Meditate for 5 minutes a day for 30 days.
9. Do a random act of kindness everyday for 30 days.
10.   Write down three positive things that happen each day for 30 days.

Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.

MASSAGE

Common Massage Myths

Myths are widely held but false beliefs or ideas. I am here to debunk some common myths about massage. 

Myth: A massage has to hurt to be effective.

Truth: No, a massage does not have to hurt to be effective; the no pain, no gain philosophy isn’t used here. You should never be in pain while getting a massage. Some people may experience discomfort while getting such treatments like deep tissue massage; but there is a difference between pain and discomfort.  If your therapist is inflicting pain, please say so immediately. They can adjust the pressure to your liking. 

Myth: A sign of a good massage is next-day soreness.

Truth: Soreness is no indication of how good a massage is. Some people may be sore after their first massage or if they've haven’t had one for a while. They may be sore after a particular muscle has been worked on. The tight muscle or muscle knot has been stretched and loosened. The muscle isn’t use to it and it gets sore. It’s just like exercising. Now you should never be so sore that you're in bed the next day. One way to reduce soreness is to drink water. This leads us to another myth.

Myth: As long as I feel fine, there's no need to drink water after a massage.

Truth: Drinking water after a massage reduces soreness and keeps our muscles hydrated. As I said before, muscles getting stretched and loosened is just like a workout. When a person goes to the gym; during or after exercising they drink water to stay hydrated. It’s the same for our muscles. 

Myth: Massage flushes toxins out of the body

Truth: No, massage does not flush toxins out of the body. A healthy body has a pretty efficient way of dealing with its metabolic wastes; they get reused, repurposed, stored away safely or eliminated. The body doesn’t need a massage for this. If massages did flush toxins out of the body, therapists would/should be trained in what toxins are flushed. Therapists are not trained in this. Some might argue that massage removes lactic acid. Recent research shows us that lactic acid is a fuel, not a waste product. The body creates lactic acid and removes it after the body is done with it.  A massage manipulates muscles and surrounding tissues to stretch and lengthen them. It has nothing to do with the release of toxins. 

Melissa Mickle is a licensed massage therapist; she is part of the Wellness team at One.