It is a town like any other, a town like this......how do I know?
I was raised 8 miles from where this tragedy unfolded.
How do you talk to your children about what happened in a little town in Connecticut today?
There is a fine balance between wanting your kids to feel safe in their environment and having them be aware of how quickly their environment can change around them.
It is hard to know how much information to tell your children. It is on the news, people talking about it at school, in the grocery store, around your neighborhood or children seeing the reactions on their parent's faces.
I like to let children help us know where to start by asking them what they have heard or what they know. Do they have any questions about it?
Children never ask questions they are not emotionally ready to hear the answers to.
We as adults want our children to understand and so we tend to over explain situations.
Be honest, every child is different, you as the parent know how your kids can handle information and what parts they are mature enough to process through.
If your child is of appropriate age it is important to give them basic, vague facts with not too many details.
Than ask your child if they have any questions. Children generally will guide you on what is important for them to hear, what type of reassurance they need and how much comfort they require to feel safe.
How do you help them feel safe?
The best defense against something that is out of your control is to be as prepared as you can.
What that means for children is practice. Practice what to do in the event something happens in school, in your home, when you are out in public.
There will always be factors that you don't take into consideration, factors that you may never think of.
Giving children a clear set of instructions (not too many, high light the important ones) will help them feel a small sense of control when the environment becomes out of control around them.
From time to time it is important to review these plans with children. What do you do when your school has a code red? Where is our family meeting place in the event of a emergency? What should you do if you ever get separated from you parents in a public place? Talking about it is one piece but it is important to have your child physically go through the steps of what to do in emergency situation.
Last but not least, follow up with your children. It takes children longer to process situations. Some children may seem unaffected but than begin asking questions a few weeks later. Following up with your children allows you to keep communication open and give them space to think about the situation on their own time line. Following up can be as simple as "Do you have any questions on what we talked about?"
Talking to them about the situation, teaching them how to be prepared and letting them process at their own pace allows children the best opportunity for resiliency.
Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.
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