Letters with Laikyn

Letters From Laikyn

Therapy. Say it with me….THER-a-pee. Merriam-Webster defines it as “therapeutic treatment especially of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorder” with synonyms listed as “antidote, corrective, curative, cure-all, answer, solution, panacea”. 

I believe in the definition, but not the synonyms. It’s not a one-stop shop where your nervous system is hooked up to a machine that can diagnose all the details of your life on a finely printed piece of paper, listing the cost to repair or replace each part. Instead, you are your own mechanic, wringing your oil covered hands against a used towel as you nervously consult a manual (or YouTube) as you tweak, and change, and tighten, and batten down whatever is loose within you. Now all that work doesn’t guarantee that you will ride out the storm every time. With each deluge comes damage, and dents, and dings, and scratches, but most important are the things not visible to the eye. Belts are whining, and pads are squealing, and liquids are drained. Once again, you get out that towel, pop the hood and dedicate time to see what’s happening on the inside. 

The definition of therapy for me is “for the betterment of the innards.” My synonym for it is “hope”. I hope that by using this tool, I will learn to speak to myself kindly, to treat myself respectfully, and to trust my gut. In turn, I hope I will then speak to others kindly, treat them respectfully, and trust the ones I love. This therapy is not an easy process. It’s hard and dirty and beautiful and brutal and frustrating and  a run on sentence of adjectives that never stop. But it has saved my life. In full disclosure, I use therapy with other modalities, and as with any such treatment, each plan is individual. I encourage you to look inside the Kelly Blue Book of your heart and find your worth. 

In this world of social smedia (that was actually a typo, but I’m going to keep it, because BEST SUBCONSIOUS DESCRIPTION EVER) it’s easy to fall prey to the idea that older, imperfect models can’t be fixed, and trading in for an upgrade is the easy way.  I won’t speak for you, my friends, but I have no interest in “easy”.  I am interested in the man in the arena. 

A quick history lesson folks….On April 23, 1910 Theodore Roosevelt gave his “Citizenship in a Republic” Speech, which states in part….

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”.

For those starting out in the self help world, I recommend books by Brene Brown, PhD. For those too busy for books, I recommend audiobooks by Brene Brown PhD. But only if they are read by her…she has a sweet, southern drawl and a laugh so infectious I can’t help but laugh with her. They aren’t heavy, but carry some serious truth bombs. For those ready to dig deeper, I recommend One Wellness and Counseling….because the credit belongs to the man in the arena. 

Love and light, 

Laikyn

P.S.- Also full disclosure, I don’t know SHIT about cars. Any error in the analogies above is fully mine, and I don’t know that YouTube is better than a mechanic. 

The Contract

The Contract

Very often couples come into therapy as a “last resort” or to say to themselves they did everything they could. When I hear couples say that, I ask them “If this is the case are you open to this process, a process that may change you and/or your dynamic with your spouse?

I explain to couples in the very first session that marriage is a set up. You pick a day and in front of your family and friends you promise the world to each other not knowing what the world has in store for you. You promise things like, for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. I tell my clients to go home and write out their marriage vows like a contract and read through it and see if they would sign it.  There are a lot of things in that contract that are not defined or spelled out. 

Maybe a broad contract like that in the beginning suited you both well. As time goes on we grow as individuals, life circumstances change and people interact with each other differently and than go ahead and add a little stress like family of origin, finances and children. Marriage tends to be one of the only contracts in life that we don’t openly renegotiate. Like other contracts in our lives whether it is a lease or mortgage most contracts have times limits on them. Time limits so you can revaluate if the terms are working for you or not at the place you are in your life. Our marital contract should be no different. I encourage couples to define their marital contract. What is working for you? What is not working for you? What has worked for you in the past that is not currently working? Our marital contract should be a working framework and ongoing conversation . We should change and update what is being renegotiated in the contract and updated things as our lives change, as we change. 

If your marriage is not working for you that is a good indication that you need to renegotiate the terms of your contract. Sometimes redeveloping the framework can help other things fall into place. By redeveloping the framework it is possible to increase and improve communication, break negative or repetitive cycles. It is possible to find opportunity in the middle of a crisis. 

This has always been a good place to start with couples who have had so much happen they are not sure where to start. It allows them to think about what would make them happy in the marriage if it were to change. How they may feel differently if those changes were mutually agreed upon with their spouse. 

I have met couples who are so discouraged they do not believe change is even possible.  I tell them if both of them are willing to try they have a pretty good shot at things being better. The only time I have ever seen marriage not work out is when you have one person who is not willing to try. 

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.

Communication Road Blocks

Communication Roadblocks:

In the last blog, I talked about the importance of effective communication in helping decrease family conflicts and dysfunction. I said that “active listening” is one of the most important elements of good communication. This month, I would like to discuss some common Communication Roadblocks. Roadblocks prevent effective communication and can make disagreements or conflicts worse. Recognizing when you are contributing to poor communication by doing these roadblocks will help you learn to express your thoughts and feelings more effectively and open the lines of communication between you and your loved ones.

1. Blaming or accusing: Finding someone “guilty” even before you hear the other person’s side. “It’s your fault that this happened”.
2. Interrupting: Cutting in with your own comments before the other person has a chance to finish talking.
3. Threatening: Trying to intimidate someone to make them do what you want.
4. Mind-Reading: Jumping to conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.
5. Sarcasm: Suggesting that you don’t believe what the other person is saying or saying something to try and “one up” the other person.
6. Name calling and insulting: Enough said…if you are calling someone a name or insulting them, you are not trying to effectively communicate with them or resolve a conflict. You are letting them know that you don’t respect them or care about what they are saying.
7. Sweeping generalizations: Putting someone in a defensive position by exaggerating their behavior. This occurs when you use words like “always” “never” “every time”.
8. Judging: Assuming an air of being on a “higher level”.
9. Changing the subject: Not keeping to the point of an argument shows that you are not interested in what the other person is saying.

I frequently review these common roadblocks with families and couples when I am teaching communication skills and trying to help them learn how to effectively resolve their conflicts. When you begin to pay attention to these roadblocks, I think you will be surprised to learn how frequently you may use them. For example, I know that my son does not always leave his clothes on the floor of the room…it just feels that way sometimes ☺

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

Communication Skills

I have been working with families for over 20 years. I have come to realize that a lack of effective communication is at the center of most negative family conflicts. Disagreements are natural and they are not the problem. The dysfunction arises when family members do not believe that their opinions are being heard or respected. Active Listening is one of the most important elements of good communication. To be most effective, a listener should show interest and empathy in what the speaker is saying. Here are some tips to you about an issue or concern they have:

1. Validate: Show your positive feelings about the other person talking to you. Example: “I am really glad that we are talking about his”.
2. Paraphrase: Repeat in your own words what you think the speaker is saying to check for facts and meaning. Example: “So what you are telling me is that you are angry that your brother took your bike”.
3. Reflect: Repeat the main ideas and feelings that the speaker has expressed. Example: “I can tell that you are really angry about this…”
4. Clarify: Ask questions to help you clearly understand what the speaker is saying. Example: “Can you explain to me again what she did to upset you?”
5. Pay Attention: Use encouraging phrases like “right” “yes” “sure” “go on” and nonverbal cues like nodding and making eye contact. This lets the speaker know that you are interested in what they are saying. 
6. Listen for feelings: Try and understand the feelings behind what the person is saying. This is even more important that the words they are saying. Tell the person “It sounds as though you are feeling…”

The next time a conflict arises in your home, try these tips to actively listen before you react or respond. You may be surprised by how positively the other person will respond and you may even be able to stop a conflict from escalating. 

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

HOW ONE SMALL CHANGE CAN GREATLY IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

A 30 DAY WELLNESS CHALLENGE

Small lifestyle changes are often a catalyst for big life changes.  I am always encouraging people to make one small change and see how it affects them.  It is a hard concept for people to wrap their minds around.  I sometimes need reminders myself and recently had a big light bulb moment in my own life of how true this can be.

I gave up gluten for 30 days because of some stomach and skin issues I was having.  I had heard that more and more people were having gluten sensitivities and that many people suffer from “wheat belly” and do not even realize that they feel awful because the way wheat is processed in the foods we eat.  

I was really not excited about this but with my face breaking out at the age of 38 and having stomach aches all the time…it was definitely worth a try.  I tried to keep an open mind and experiment with gluten free recipes.  In the end I realized that I felt so much better off the gluten that it was totally worth the change of diet and I plan to make limiting gluten a permanent lifestyle change.

What I was not expecting was that making this one change in my life would have a domino effect that it did in other areas.  I’m thrilled that my face has cleared up and my stomach no longer aches on a daily basis.  But I have also learned so much more by allowing myself to go through this process.

For 30 days I really had to pay attention to what situations I would normally, mindlessly eat or drink things that are bad for me (not just because of the gluten).  I started noticing all the times I would have had a beer, a cookie, a slice of pizza or a piece of garlic bread.  It was a constant daily effort to say no to the things I would normally mindlessly eat and drink just because it had become a habit.  Like most people, I would “reward” myself with food or drink during or after a stressful day.  What I did not fully realize was that it was actually making me feel worse and giving me less energy.

I had to find other outlets for stress during the 30 days.  I started exercising more, reading more and talking to my husband about my stressors.  I began drinking water and herbal tea at night and ditching the after work cocktail.  I also started playing more with my kids because my energy was increasing in general.  Not only did I start feeling physically better, I started feeling better emotionally and more connected to the people I care about.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to give up gluten.  But for most of us, there is a small change we could make that would trigger some big improvements in life.  I challenge everyone who is looking for a jump start to leading a happier life to pick ONE small thing to change or try.  Stick to it for 30 days and notice what happens in your life.  Below is a list of things you could consider trying (just pick one or come up with your own).  I would love to hear about what you decided to change and how it impacted your life.  Feel free to post about it on our Facebook page or in our comment section.

GOOD LUCK AND LIVE WELL☺

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for 30 days.
2. Stay off social media or TV for 30 days.
3. Go on a 30 minute walk everyday for 30 days.
4. Write in a journal once a day for 30 days.
5. Compliment your spouse once a day for 30 days.
6. Play one 15 minute game with your kids each day for 30 days.
7. Eat a salad for lunch every day for 30 days.
8. Meditate for 5 minutes a day for 30 days.
9. Do a random act of kindness everyday for 30 days.
10.   Write down three positive things that happen each day for 30 days.

Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.

MASSAGE

Common Massage Myths

Myths are widely held but false beliefs or ideas. I am here to debunk some common myths about massage. 

Myth: A massage has to hurt to be effective.

Truth: No, a massage does not have to hurt to be effective; the no pain, no gain philosophy isn’t used here. You should never be in pain while getting a massage. Some people may experience discomfort while getting such treatments like deep tissue massage; but there is a difference between pain and discomfort.  If your therapist is inflicting pain, please say so immediately. They can adjust the pressure to your liking. 

Myth: A sign of a good massage is next-day soreness.

Truth: Soreness is no indication of how good a massage is. Some people may be sore after their first massage or if they've haven’t had one for a while. They may be sore after a particular muscle has been worked on. The tight muscle or muscle knot has been stretched and loosened. The muscle isn’t use to it and it gets sore. It’s just like exercising. Now you should never be so sore that you're in bed the next day. One way to reduce soreness is to drink water. This leads us to another myth.

Myth: As long as I feel fine, there's no need to drink water after a massage.

Truth: Drinking water after a massage reduces soreness and keeps our muscles hydrated. As I said before, muscles getting stretched and loosened is just like a workout. When a person goes to the gym; during or after exercising they drink water to stay hydrated. It’s the same for our muscles. 

Myth: Massage flushes toxins out of the body

Truth: No, massage does not flush toxins out of the body. A healthy body has a pretty efficient way of dealing with its metabolic wastes; they get reused, repurposed, stored away safely or eliminated. The body doesn’t need a massage for this. If massages did flush toxins out of the body, therapists would/should be trained in what toxins are flushed. Therapists are not trained in this. Some might argue that massage removes lactic acid. Recent research shows us that lactic acid is a fuel, not a waste product. The body creates lactic acid and removes it after the body is done with it.  A massage manipulates muscles and surrounding tissues to stretch and lengthen them. It has nothing to do with the release of toxins. 

Melissa Mickle is a licensed massage therapist; she is part of the Wellness team at One.

November 17, 2013- Coping After the Storm

It was a Sunday with a high wind warning.

What seemed like moments, it was here and than it was gone. Not before leaving a path of destruction.

It was not only a path of destruction of homes but displacements of lives.

Whether you lost your home or not, you knew not just one person but many that did.

If you talk to some of the people who lost their homes it went from shock to salvage to adjusters, finding a place to live, fulfilling basic needs.....picking up the pieces.

So what do you do from here?

Here are a few tips for yourself and your children in the attempt to regain a sense of normalcy.

1. Break things down into manageable pieces. Not only for you children but for yourself. Life on a good day can be overwhelming. Make sure you are not setting yourself up to be stressed out.
If you are a lister, no more than three things on your do to list at any given time.
Putting more on a list than you know you can handle at any given point is a set up.

2. Allow yourself time. A lot has been in the media about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What people may be experiencing now is called an Acute Stress Reaction. That is considered "normal" for the first 4 to 5 weeks after a traumatic event. If you find that you or your child are experiencing prolonged symptoms past the five week mark that would be the appropriate time to seek out a mental health professional .

3. Be consistent. Even if you pick one thing a day to be consistent about with yourself or your children. We all crave some sort of routine and structure. Eat dinner together or get back into your work out routine.

4. Understand that creating your new normal is going to take time, adjust and learn new coping skills to help cope with your new normal.

5. Be aware that every one reacts and processes traumatic events differently. You or someone you know may be acting out of character but no one can say for sure how they will act under extreme stress or life altering situations.

6. Be factual. Children ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. We as adults want them to understand and so we tend to over explain. Before you respond to a question think about what they are aksing you.

7. Everyone has a different tolerance level and copes differently. In the context of a relationship or in a family there needs to be enough tolerance so that everyone can process and cope in their own way.
If you feel like things are off with the ones you love, talk to them about it.

When something like a natural disaster or a life altering event happens you start off in survival mode (what do I need to do to provide for my basic needs, food, clothing, shelter, money, identification etc). After survival mode, which we are all starting to come out of, you become exhausted from handling the logistics of everything that needs to be tended to (mail pick up, canceling utilities, cancel trash pick up, etc). These tasks are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Self care is extremely important. Take breaks from it, eat right, get rest, do something fun and completely non related to what has happened. It is okay to "check out" of life for a little while as long as you "check back " in.

If you find yourself pulling away from others that is the time to reach out to others, widen your circle and let people in.

If you find that after the 4-5 week mark you are still have symptoms that are bothering you or disrupting your lifestyle or causing conflicts in your relationships that would be the appropriate time to talk to a mental health professional.

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.