Communication Skills

I have been working with families for over 20 years. I have come to realize that a lack of effective communication is at the center of most negative family conflicts. Disagreements are natural and they are not the problem. The dysfunction arises when family members do not believe that their opinions are being heard or respected. Active Listening is one of the most important elements of good communication. To be most effective, a listener should show interest and empathy in what the speaker is saying. Here are some tips to you about an issue or concern they have:

1. Validate: Show your positive feelings about the other person talking to you. Example: “I am really glad that we are talking about his”.
2. Paraphrase: Repeat in your own words what you think the speaker is saying to check for facts and meaning. Example: “So what you are telling me is that you are angry that your brother took your bike”.
3. Reflect: Repeat the main ideas and feelings that the speaker has expressed. Example: “I can tell that you are really angry about this…”
4. Clarify: Ask questions to help you clearly understand what the speaker is saying. Example: “Can you explain to me again what she did to upset you?”
5. Pay Attention: Use encouraging phrases like “right” “yes” “sure” “go on” and nonverbal cues like nodding and making eye contact. This lets the speaker know that you are interested in what they are saying. 
6. Listen for feelings: Try and understand the feelings behind what the person is saying. This is even more important that the words they are saying. Tell the person “It sounds as though you are feeling…”

The next time a conflict arises in your home, try these tips to actively listen before you react or respond. You may be surprised by how positively the other person will respond and you may even be able to stop a conflict from escalating. 

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

HOW ONE SMALL CHANGE CAN GREATLY IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

A 30 DAY WELLNESS CHALLENGE

Small lifestyle changes are often a catalyst for big life changes.  I am always encouraging people to make one small change and see how it affects them.  It is a hard concept for people to wrap their minds around.  I sometimes need reminders myself and recently had a big light bulb moment in my own life of how true this can be.

I gave up gluten for 30 days because of some stomach and skin issues I was having.  I had heard that more and more people were having gluten sensitivities and that many people suffer from “wheat belly” and do not even realize that they feel awful because the way wheat is processed in the foods we eat.  

I was really not excited about this but with my face breaking out at the age of 38 and having stomach aches all the time…it was definitely worth a try.  I tried to keep an open mind and experiment with gluten free recipes.  In the end I realized that I felt so much better off the gluten that it was totally worth the change of diet and I plan to make limiting gluten a permanent lifestyle change.

What I was not expecting was that making this one change in my life would have a domino effect that it did in other areas.  I’m thrilled that my face has cleared up and my stomach no longer aches on a daily basis.  But I have also learned so much more by allowing myself to go through this process.

For 30 days I really had to pay attention to what situations I would normally, mindlessly eat or drink things that are bad for me (not just because of the gluten).  I started noticing all the times I would have had a beer, a cookie, a slice of pizza or a piece of garlic bread.  It was a constant daily effort to say no to the things I would normally mindlessly eat and drink just because it had become a habit.  Like most people, I would “reward” myself with food or drink during or after a stressful day.  What I did not fully realize was that it was actually making me feel worse and giving me less energy.

I had to find other outlets for stress during the 30 days.  I started exercising more, reading more and talking to my husband about my stressors.  I began drinking water and herbal tea at night and ditching the after work cocktail.  I also started playing more with my kids because my energy was increasing in general.  Not only did I start feeling physically better, I started feeling better emotionally and more connected to the people I care about.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to give up gluten.  But for most of us, there is a small change we could make that would trigger some big improvements in life.  I challenge everyone who is looking for a jump start to leading a happier life to pick ONE small thing to change or try.  Stick to it for 30 days and notice what happens in your life.  Below is a list of things you could consider trying (just pick one or come up with your own).  I would love to hear about what you decided to change and how it impacted your life.  Feel free to post about it on our Facebook page or in our comment section.

GOOD LUCK AND LIVE WELL☺

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for 30 days.
2. Stay off social media or TV for 30 days.
3. Go on a 30 minute walk everyday for 30 days.
4. Write in a journal once a day for 30 days.
5. Compliment your spouse once a day for 30 days.
6. Play one 15 minute game with your kids each day for 30 days.
7. Eat a salad for lunch every day for 30 days.
8. Meditate for 5 minutes a day for 30 days.
9. Do a random act of kindness everyday for 30 days.
10.   Write down three positive things that happen each day for 30 days.

Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.

MASSAGE

Common Massage Myths

Myths are widely held but false beliefs or ideas. I am here to debunk some common myths about massage. 

Myth: A massage has to hurt to be effective.

Truth: No, a massage does not have to hurt to be effective; the no pain, no gain philosophy isn’t used here. You should never be in pain while getting a massage. Some people may experience discomfort while getting such treatments like deep tissue massage; but there is a difference between pain and discomfort.  If your therapist is inflicting pain, please say so immediately. They can adjust the pressure to your liking. 

Myth: A sign of a good massage is next-day soreness.

Truth: Soreness is no indication of how good a massage is. Some people may be sore after their first massage or if they've haven’t had one for a while. They may be sore after a particular muscle has been worked on. The tight muscle or muscle knot has been stretched and loosened. The muscle isn’t use to it and it gets sore. It’s just like exercising. Now you should never be so sore that you're in bed the next day. One way to reduce soreness is to drink water. This leads us to another myth.

Myth: As long as I feel fine, there's no need to drink water after a massage.

Truth: Drinking water after a massage reduces soreness and keeps our muscles hydrated. As I said before, muscles getting stretched and loosened is just like a workout. When a person goes to the gym; during or after exercising they drink water to stay hydrated. It’s the same for our muscles. 

Myth: Massage flushes toxins out of the body

Truth: No, massage does not flush toxins out of the body. A healthy body has a pretty efficient way of dealing with its metabolic wastes; they get reused, repurposed, stored away safely or eliminated. The body doesn’t need a massage for this. If massages did flush toxins out of the body, therapists would/should be trained in what toxins are flushed. Therapists are not trained in this. Some might argue that massage removes lactic acid. Recent research shows us that lactic acid is a fuel, not a waste product. The body creates lactic acid and removes it after the body is done with it.  A massage manipulates muscles and surrounding tissues to stretch and lengthen them. It has nothing to do with the release of toxins. 

Melissa Mickle is a licensed massage therapist; she is part of the Wellness team at One.

November 17, 2013- Coping After the Storm

It was a Sunday with a high wind warning.

What seemed like moments, it was here and than it was gone. Not before leaving a path of destruction.

It was not only a path of destruction of homes but displacements of lives.

Whether you lost your home or not, you knew not just one person but many that did.

If you talk to some of the people who lost their homes it went from shock to salvage to adjusters, finding a place to live, fulfilling basic needs.....picking up the pieces.

So what do you do from here?

Here are a few tips for yourself and your children in the attempt to regain a sense of normalcy.

1. Break things down into manageable pieces. Not only for you children but for yourself. Life on a good day can be overwhelming. Make sure you are not setting yourself up to be stressed out.
If you are a lister, no more than three things on your do to list at any given time.
Putting more on a list than you know you can handle at any given point is a set up.

2. Allow yourself time. A lot has been in the media about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What people may be experiencing now is called an Acute Stress Reaction. That is considered "normal" for the first 4 to 5 weeks after a traumatic event. If you find that you or your child are experiencing prolonged symptoms past the five week mark that would be the appropriate time to seek out a mental health professional .

3. Be consistent. Even if you pick one thing a day to be consistent about with yourself or your children. We all crave some sort of routine and structure. Eat dinner together or get back into your work out routine.

4. Understand that creating your new normal is going to take time, adjust and learn new coping skills to help cope with your new normal.

5. Be aware that every one reacts and processes traumatic events differently. You or someone you know may be acting out of character but no one can say for sure how they will act under extreme stress or life altering situations.

6. Be factual. Children ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. We as adults want them to understand and so we tend to over explain. Before you respond to a question think about what they are aksing you.

7. Everyone has a different tolerance level and copes differently. In the context of a relationship or in a family there needs to be enough tolerance so that everyone can process and cope in their own way.
If you feel like things are off with the ones you love, talk to them about it.

When something like a natural disaster or a life altering event happens you start off in survival mode (what do I need to do to provide for my basic needs, food, clothing, shelter, money, identification etc). After survival mode, which we are all starting to come out of, you become exhausted from handling the logistics of everything that needs to be tended to (mail pick up, canceling utilities, cancel trash pick up, etc). These tasks are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Self care is extremely important. Take breaks from it, eat right, get rest, do something fun and completely non related to what has happened. It is okay to "check out" of life for a little while as long as you "check back " in.

If you find yourself pulling away from others that is the time to reach out to others, widen your circle and let people in.

If you find that after the 4-5 week mark you are still have symptoms that are bothering you or disrupting your lifestyle or causing conflicts in your relationships that would be the appropriate time to talk to a mental health professional.

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.

Parenting Adult Children

Parenting Adult Children

As a counselor I am often helping people figure out how to manage relationships in their lives.  One of the trickier ones seems to be between adults and their parents.  When you picture having kids you picture babies and small children.  We often forget that these little beings turn into adults someday and yet are still your kids.  

This relationship can be difficult on both ends.  Those in the 20s, 30s, and 40s have certain wants/needs when it comes to relationships with their parents.  Those in their 50s and beyond are trying to figure out the line as well.  Throw some grandkids into the mix and it can seem like a mess at times.

So what are some of these big issues and the best ways to handle them?  Well the Facebook status on this one would read…it’s complicated.  But let’s sort through a few common struggles.

1. My adult child moved back in after college and is driving me crazy….what do I do?

This is happening all too frequently these days with the economy making it tough for new grads to find a job.  I think a good rule of thumb on this one is to sit everyone involved down and set some clear rules and expectations.  The topics you want to be crystal clear on are how long your child can stay and what you expect them to contribute (rent, bills, chores, groceries ect.).  Make sure everyone is in agreement on this and I would suggest even writing up a little informal agreement for everyone to sign.

1. I want to spend time with my grandchildren but my kids are asking me to babysit them all the time.

This comes up frequently in sessions.  Parent of young kids of course would love all the help and much needed breaks they can get.  Grandparents have different wants/needs on this one.  A good idea is to have all the adults involved sit down and discuss everyone’s wants or needs.  Grandparents, be clear about how often you are willing to help out with the Grandkids and how long (2 hours, an overnight here or there ect.)  Remember parents are exhausted and looking for some breaks, so it is great to help.   Parents need to remember that Grandparents have a life too.  It may not be their dream come true to spend countless hours with your kids.  That does not mean they do not love you all.

1. I do not like the way my adult children parent their kids.  What should I say or do?

Bottom line on this one is that it is the parents’ job to decide how to parent their kids.  If you have major concerns about your grandkids well being then yes you should talk to your adult child in private about your concerns.  Otherwise it is often best not share your opinion unless you are asked.   

1. When the Grandparents babysit, they don’t follow my rules?  It takes me a week to undo the spoiling.

Its true Grandparents love to spoil kids!  And sometimes they find your rules silly and unnecessary.  However can you really complain about free babysitting when you really needed that night out or overnight with your husband?  Again this is about open communication.  If you REALLY feel that the grandparent(s) behavior is going to harm your child in some way then sit down and talk to them.  If they are unwilling to change then you may consider limiting time or being there to supervise during visits.  However if it is just some good old fashion grandparent spoiling…consider lightening up a little.  Ice cream for dinner on occasion never hurt anyone.

Grandparents can be a wonderful support system and an important part of your child’s life.  All too often I hear of parents withholding time from grandkids over disagreements and hurt feelings about the above mentioned issues.  This is so devastating for everyone involved.  If you are struggling with these issues try to all sit down together and talk as adults.  Come up with a plan that meets everyone’s needs.  Or consider having a counselor help you and your family come up with a good plan.

Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.

Healthy Halloween Treats To Try for Kids This Year

Trick or Treat

Our holidays always bring along candy and sweet treats which come with lots of sugar, high fructose corn syrup and fat. You can take initiative to change this trend around by including goodies that make great healthy treats and also include Halloween gifts that kids will love.

*Some facts about treats

Did you know that about $1.9 billion of candy is sold each Halloween of which ~$1.2 billion is chocolate= 598 million pounds of candy= 1280 billion calories. 

Here are a few Healthy and Fun Alternative Treats to try this year:

• Cheddar flavored cracker
• 100% Fruit snacks or leathers
• Sugar-free gum
• Animal-shaped crackers
• Mini rice cereal treat bars
• Cereal bars made with real fruit   
• Individual fruit cups
• Mini 100% fruit juice boxes
• Low-fat pudding cups
• Pretzels

  

Pass out Other Kinds of Treats

• Jelly bracelets
• Fake teeth or wax fangs
• Jump ropes
• Eye ball bouncy balls
• Temporary tattoos or stickers
• Small containers of modeling clay
• Bubbles
• Erasers, coloring pencils or crayons
• Plastic spider rings
• Small Halloween-themed notebooks
• Noise makers or whistles

Candy defense 

• Consider not buying candy 
• Don’t open the candy too early
• Establish limits
• Portion control 
• Make candy trades by finding things your kids want more and switch out for the candy
• Don't leave candy in plain sight 
• Be mindful 
• Donate extra candy
• Host a Halloween party

Strategies for hosting a Halloween party

• Focus on more (active) fun, less on food
• Pumpkin carving or painting contest 
• Dance/limbo/Thriller dance 
• Relay races while “riding” a broom or three-legged zombie races 
• Scavenger or treasure hunts
• Host a haunted house 
• Spooky charades
• Visit a haunted corn maze

Have a healthy, safe and happy Halloween.

Mayuri Rangdal, MS, RD, LDN

One Counseling and Wellness

309-444-1000

12 Years Later

I remember almost every detail of that day with amazing clarity 12 years later. Not only do I remember that day but I remember the days and weeks that followed.

It was a beautiful day on the East Coast, picture perfect with clear, blue skies. The temps had dipped a little and you were starting to feel the crisp air of Fall.

It was in the morning and I was on my way to work, stopping by my weekly treat of Starbucks coffee. I got in the car and when the radio came on there was confusion of what was happening in New York.

The information was spotty. I remember picking up my cell phone to try and call my parents to see if they could tell me what was going on. The cell phones were jammed, you could not get a call through.

I drove the rest of the way to work and when I got to work everyone was huddled in a small room on a TV that had no cable and as we moved the rabbit ears to try and make out a fuzzy picture. It became clear what was happening.

There were no phone calls going out and none coming in. It was quiet everywhere. When you walked outside and looked up there were no planes, no noise, it was eerie. The quiet was extremely unsettling.

I worked at a partial hospital program at the time and I remember having a conversation later in the day how to talk to the kids about what happened that day. I remember sitting in that large group with a crushing feeling trying to tell the youth of that day that things were not good but that they would eventually be okay.

Would it ever be okay?

Up until that moment, up until that day I don't ever remember a time before when I felt scared to be in this country. Our country.

I remember those days and weeks that followed, I remember being glued to the TV until I physically and emotionally couldn't watch anymore.
I remember working really hard to understand something that I knew in my soul I would never understand.

Those days and weeks as American Flags were hung from every overpass in Connecticut, to large amounts of cars moving over on major interstates allowing lighting equipment and heavy machinary to pass because everyone knew it was headed into the city.......to help.

I remember watching the pain of many families that were searching for their loved ones and holding out hope. Sick with worry, physically sick with worry......

Going to the vigils and being in large groups of people and feeling completely alone.

September 11, 2001 was a horrible day for not just thousands of people but millions of people and the ripple effect of that one single day is still being felt 12 years later and probably will be for years and years to come.
However, in my world there was one other day that I feel was harder that September 11, 2001.

That day was September 12, 2001 when the sun rose......and life kept going....

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.