TAP INTO THE POWER OF GRATITUDE!

Our world has changed so dramatically in the past several months, it’s easy to lose our perspective and focus on all of the things we can’t do right now. As we shelter in place, we don’t have the freedom to engage in many activities that we’ve always taken for granted, such as: going into the office; attending in-seat classes; traveling when and where we want; socializing (in person) with our family, friends, co-workers, and fellow students; and enjoying concerts, movies, or our favorite restaurants. Oftentimes, we aren’t able to buy everything we want at the grocery store - remember when the shelves were packed with toilet paper? ☺ When we constantly look at what we don’t have in our lives at this moment, our stress level increases which can lead to anxiety and depression. 

The good news is that there is a potent antidote to the stress-filled blinders we may be wearing: GRATITUDE! Even better news is that we can all access gratitude whenever we want. Gratitude is a powerful tool that helps us shift our perspective and recognize the many good things in our lives. As we cultivate gratitude, we become less anxious and more resilient which helps us maintain a healthy, positive outlook during a very uncertain time. 

When we tap into our gratitude, we can focus on things that are larger than ourselves and we can feel more connected to others.  In addition to enhancing our mental health, gratitude has also been shown to improve our physical health by boosting our immune system – something we can all use right now!

Here are some suggestions on ways you can cultivate gratitude for the many blessings – big and small – in your life. 

• Make a Gratitude List. When you get up in the morning, write down five things you’re thankful for – don’t overthink it, just write down the first things that come to mind. Before you go to bed at night, make another gratitude list. In addition to feeling better, you may find it easier to fall asleep. If you have trouble making your gratitude list at first, that’s OK – be kind to yourself. The more you get in touch with your gratitude, the longer your lists will become!

• Tell someone how much you appreciate them.  You can express your gratitude to someone in your life by sending a thank you note (by snail mail – gasp!), an email or a text. 

• Keep a Gratitude Journal. If you enjoy writing, write about the things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal. Don’t judge what you write or your grammar or penmanship– just focus on recognizing the many gifts in your life.   

• Create a Gratitude Jar.  This is a fun activity you can do by yourself or with family members, especially children!  Go through your craft supplies at home and use them to decorate your Gratitude Jar (or box or any container you have at home). Everyone in the family could make their own Gratitude Jar or you could make a large one for the whole family. Once your Gratitude Jar is done, write one thing you are grateful for on a Popsicle stick or slip of paper (or something else) and put it in the jar. Once a day put at least one additional gratitude item in the jar. You can decide how to use your Gratitude Jar – you may want to look at the contents weekly or have each family member pull out and read one gratitude entry before or after a meal. 

• Instead of a Gratitude Jar, you could make a Gratitude Tree (using a large indoor plant or a tree made out of construction paper). You can write one thing you are grateful for on individual leaves and hang them on the tree. Or get even more creative – make a Gratitude Hippopotamus and anything else that helps you express your gratitude and smile! 

• Explore different Gratitude phone apps. Check out some of the apps on your phone which support a focus on gratitude. I just looked at Gratitude Plus and it offers support for making gratitude lists, journaling, creating affirmations, and connecting with the community throughout the US (you can either join a circle of people or create a private group of family and friends where you can share gratitude with each other). 

I hope that practicing gratitude will bring you moments of happiness and peace during this challenging time.  

Be Well - Vicki 

Vicki Kamhi is a nationally certified Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and Certified Alcohol/Other Drug Counselor (CADC) with over ten years of counseling experience.  Vicki is a part-time therapist with One Counseling & Wellness and currently works full-time as a therapist in a higher education setting. She has also presented a number of workshops on mindfulness. Vicki strives to create a positive, collaborative partnership with people that is based on mutual respect. Through this partnership, Vicki inspires people to build on the strengths they already possess and gain more insight into unhelpful patterns of thinking and behavior that can contribute to emotional distress. 

Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Helping Children Cope in an Uncertain World

Parents and caregivers already had to wear many hats, like chef, house cleaner, chauffeur, and conflict mediator. But with a global pandemic, school closures, and a shelter in place order, the number of hats has multiplied! Along with becoming a teacher overnight, many parents/caregivers have found themselves trying to navigate how to emotionally support their children and answer difficult questions. Many of these questions cannot be answered by experts and world leaders, so how are we supposed to ease children’s fears? Hopefully, the following can give you some ideas. 

Step 1: Put your oxygen mask on first. 

The first step in helping children manage emotions is first helping ourselves manage emotions. This is a totally new experience for all of us. It is absolutely understandable to feel nervous and anxious. However, if our goal is to help comfort our child, it is vitally important that we are in a calm and regulated space to do that. How do you get to that space? There are many ways and no one strategy will work for everyone, but limiting yourself to only necessary media coverage, engaging in activities that bring you joy, talking to friends/family, focusing on positivity instead of fear and uncertainty, and practicing gratefulness are all great strategies. Taking care of ourselves is the best thing we can do to take care of our children. By taking care of ourselves, we model for our children the importance of self-care and send the message that learning healthy ways to manage emotions is important.

Step 2: Use developmentally appropriate and supportive language.

We want to talk to our 5 year-old with different words than we use with our 14 year-old. In both scenarios, it is important to answer questions honestly. Kids of all ages know when things are off. They pick up on more than we think. The best way to address difficult questions is with careful honesty. What I mean by this is to answer their questions in ways that are honest and age appropriate. For example, when speaking to a 5-year-old about what is happening in the world, it might be best to say something like, “There is a new kind of sickness going around that scientists and doctors are still figuring out. We need to spend most of our time at home right now to help keep ourselves and others healthy.” You would probably not be using the word “pandemic” with your 5 year-old, but you might with a 14 year-old. We do not want children to think we are not telling them the truth, but we also want to be mindful of what developmentally they can understand. Kids will only ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. Try not to over explain, only answer what they are asking. 

How many of us have said, “don’t worry about it” to our children? Probably all of us. In the moment, this can seem like a quick way to respond to a child’s worry, but it can be perceived by children as dismissive. By telling someone to “not worry” it doesn’t actually help a child learn how to navigate feelings and anxieties, instead it suggests that worry is like a light switch that can easily be turned on and off. (Wouldn’t that be nice!) Instead, a child might respond better to an approach that includes validating their feelings, normalizing their experiencing, and reassuring them of your love and support. Validating feelings is when we communicate to others that whatever they are feeling is okay. There are no wrong feelings. Normalizing feelings is when we broaden the scope and remind children that they are not the only ones feeling what they are feeling. In terms of feeling worried about the coronavirus, most of the world likely feels the same way! It can be helpful to remind little ones that they are not alone. Reassurance is reminding our children that we love them and that we will do our job as parents/caregivers: take care of them. 

Here is an example of how using these techniques might translate into a conversation with a child. If a child expresses feeling worried about coronavirus, you can validate the feeling (“Yeah, I think all the talk about coronavirus can make people feel worried. It’s totally normal to feel worried at a time like this.”), normalize their experience (“I think a lot of people feel that way right now. I bet most of the kids in your class have the same kinds of worries.”), and reassure the child (“My job is to keep you safe. I love you and our family is a team. We will figure this out together.”) If you think about how you might feel when someone tells you “don’t worry about it” versus how you might feel when someone takes the time to work through your feelings and concerns in a supportive way, I imagine most of us would prefer the latter. Another added benefit is that this type of response sets the groundwork for children to learn ways to manage feelings and solve problems in the future. (Pro Tip: Maintaining eye contact with your child and getting on their level can also be very beneficial!)

Step 3: Use this time as an opportunity. 

Life is all about perspective. We could look at school closures and the shelter in place order through the lens of fear and boredom, or use the lens of opportunity. How many times before has your family been able to spend this much uninterrupted time together? We are all so busy, especially our children, that family game night and taco Tuesday sometimes get forgotten. Our children will most likely remember the “Coronavirus Pandemic” throughout their life, just like other generations remember the terrorist attack on 9/11, the explosion of the Challenger Space Shuttle, the assassination of JFK, and Pearl Harbor. As parents/caregivers, we have the chance to color this experience for our children in a supportive light. Sure, our children will remember the school closures, sports being canceled, and not being able to see their friends. But, they can also remember the epic family music video they made, having a picnic in the living room, the Top Chef style cooking competition, or stomping in mud puddles. Again, children model what they see. If they see parents/caregivers having fun, laughing, and enjoying this family time, children are likely to do the same. These activities will not only provide us with enjoyment and priceless memories, they will also increase our sense of well-being and security.

Step 4: Focus on what we can control

Kids thrive with structure and routine. Actually, structure and routine are important for all of us. They provide comfort and predictability. In times such as these, it may be extremely difficult to maintain a structure and routine, but the more we can, the less chaotic things will feel. Focus on keeping in place what you can (bedtime, dinnertime, etc.) and discuss any changes that are outside of your control (we will be doing our school learning at home for now) while planning for flexibility to accommodate the continued change. We are all rolling with the punches. The best we can do is plan for what we know, and adjust when something new comes up. Being upfront with our children about that can go a long way. 

This is a new and uncharted situation, but isn’t that most of parenting? If there was a job description for parenting, most of what we do would fall into the “other duties as assigned” category. I encourage you to think about all the situations you have navigated through before this and what you learned from them. At the end of the day, kids need to feel safe and loved. As long as we keep taking care of ourselves, keep open lines of supportive communication, practice positivity, and maintain a semblance of routine, we will help our children make it through this uncertain time. And hopefully, we can make some memories along the way.

Marie Mullins, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with over 5 years of professional counseling experience. Marie earned her Master’s degree in Human Development Counseling from Bradley University in 2013 and currently works full-time as a Psychotherapist and Certified Diabetes Educator in a hospital clinic setting. Her areas of expertise and special interest include chronic illness, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment issues, disordered eating, addiction, ADHD, Veteran’s concerns, and career counseling.

Kristen Brosch is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with 6 years of experience. She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology from Illinois State University and a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Bradley University. Kristen has worked in a variety of settings, including residential treatment, a psychiatric hospital diversion program, outpatient clinics, and foster care agencies. Kristen specializes in the treatment of mood disorders, including anxiety and depression, PTSD and other trauma-related disorders, stress management, adjustment disorder, and issues related to foster care/adoption.

Perspective is Everything Especially in COVID- 19

When we have hiccups in our lives or the unexpected comes, we normally will ground ourselves in our routines. Knowing what to expect day in and day out can allow us to cope better with these unexpected things. So what happens when the very unexpected comes up like a worldwide pandemic and your daily routine is disrupted to its core. 

All of a sudden you are working from home, the kids are home all day and school is being done online. You are thinking “ How did I get here?” Even your normal drive to and from work where you may make some phone calls, listen to music, catch up on your audiobook, is no longer normal. Your commute is now walking to your home office and being ready to work on demand without having the drive to mentally prepare for your day, or the drive home to decompress from your day and switching out of work mode into home mode. 

Then, add on top of this, that there are very few people in our lifetime who can remember a time like this where physical, social, emotional or financial disruption all collide together at the same time. It is easy to get overwhelmed. 

So what do we do with all this besides getting overwhelmed? How do we lean into uncertainty?

Look at what you have control over. The only thing we have control over in our lives is ourselves. We control how we think about things, the lens we choose to see the world through and how we respond to others. So when everything outside of you feels out of control, look internally to what you can control. Ask yourself, how is my attitude about the situation? How is my view of the people around me? How do I talk to myself internally? Everything starts with you. Try it! Instead of using time and energy trying to change things outside of you, direct that energy inward and be aware, conscious, and intentional about things. Then, watch how your external world can change. 

Be present. What is going on at this moment? Don't look too far back or too far ahead. Trust that the lessons you needed to learn from the past are with you. Thinking about the future will allow your creative mind to run wild. Ever notice how we worry about all the possible things that we think could happen, but they rarely ever do. Be in the moment. Make the best decisions in uncertain times based on the information you have in front of you, at that moment. When you are present you are more efficient, more effective, your focus will increase and you will fully experience what is happening. Most people can tolerate the present moment. It is when we try to experience the present moment while contemplating the past, and worrying about the future, is when we feel our world starts to spin and the stress levels increase. 

Anything you feed will grow. If you feed positive you will see, find and experience the positive, the helpers, the compassion, the lightworkers, the generosity and so much more. If you feed the negative You will find all the people whose paths make yours more difficult. Situations will look like they have no solution. You may feel that everyone else is better off than you. You may compare yourself to others. Be aware of what you are feeding. What you feed greatly impacts not only your mood but your interactions with others. Pay attention to what you are feeding, is it something you want to grow?

Everything is temporary. Every season, situation and circumstance is temporary. I always say if you don’t like where you are in life wait for a little. Life is fluid. It is always changing and we never stay in the same place mentally or emotionally for very long. When things seem insurmountable just barely tolerate where you are at or what you are feeling. It will change, it always does. Whether that is uncertainty, depression, anxiety or even grief we never stay in the same space. Life is always forward-moving and we move with it or be dragged. There are times where our patience will be tested, with the COVID-19 situation. Just hang in there and hang on. 

Letting everything be as it should and having no expectations allows the experience to bring to you what it is supposed to. Even though COVID-19 is a horrible virus that is making so many people sick, and people are losing their lives, we are also seeing unity in certain parts of the country and world, sincere compassion, people taking extra time to help others, the environment healing itself. People are checking in and on each other. There have been so many times where I have looked at the calendar recently and said: “I wish I had more time.” Now, my calendar is suddenly completely wide open. My evenings are free from running kids from place to place, doing homework or track meets. Although I miss those things, I know this is temporary, everything is temporary. Here is an opportunity to pause and reset. There is an opportunity in some of the hardest circumstances to teach our kids that when faced with the uncertainty of health, finances, and disruption of their daily life, that resiliency is present and possible. We will have tangible examples of resiliency, from this COVID-19 experience, to show them. These examples of resiliency will be things they can carry with them throughout their life. 

So know that perspective is everything. The way you look at something or someone ties directly to the way you respond to that something or someone. If you don’t know where to start, know that the highest form of control in life is self-control. Be present so you can make the best decisions for yourself at the moment and anything you feed will grow. Know that everything is temporary and find the resiliency in every person and every situation. 

We are in the storm, sometimes the rain brings destruction but sometimes it can also bring the most amazing rainbows. 

Jori Sparry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 20 years of experience. She graduated from Central Connecticut State University with a major in Psychology and a minor in Religious Studies.
 She believes in any crisis there is an opportunity for growth. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post-traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety and with military service members and their families.

COVID- 19 Adjusting to the New Norm

We are all aware, our world is looking and feeling like a very different place right now. We as a country are facing circumstances that are forcing us to live a temporary yet difficult new norm. We have all heard the news about COVID-19 and are aware of the recommendations: wash your hands, stay home as much as possible and practice social distancing. While I strongly encourage you to remain informed, constant exposure to the news and media can understandably leave us with insurmountable anxiety and uncertainty. 

It is normal to have questions and worries during this time. It would be easy to get caught up in checking for the next update and wondering “Did we prepare enough?” “Did we get everything we need from the store?” “What are we going to find out today?” Allow yourself to notice those thoughts and to acknowledge the feeling of uncertainty. 

However, I also urge us as a whole to shift our focus. What CAN we do? How can we stay calm, take care of ourselves and those we love while doing what we need to do to remain informed and prepared? 

Things to consider:

Be present. However you are choosing to spend your time indoors, I urge you to be present. If you’re playing a game with your kids, then do just that. Play the game. Turn off the tv, put your phone away for a while and be engaged with those immediately around you. Laugh, tell jokes, ask questions and get to know each other in ways you haven’t yet. If you’re cooking, then do just that. Cook. Try a new recipe you’ve been putting off because there wasn’t enough time before. Bake a dessert you normally wouldn’t bake. Bring the kids in to help and let go of all expectations. Let them get messy. I promise you, they are going to remember the time they laughed and made a messy dessert with you more than what it might end up looking or tasting like. This is a great opportunity for us to model for our kids how we can respond in times of crisis. Even in uncertainty, there is an opportunity to create positive memories with your kids. We don’t want fear to determine their memories of this time.

Be flexible. Have a routine while allowing flexibility. Maybe bedtime is a little later tonight. That’s ok. Maybe there’s a little more screen time than usual. That’s ok too. Don’t beat yourself up with what you “should” be doing during this time. It’s going to look different for everyone. Do try to keep some level of routine for kids because it does help them remain grounded in knowing what to expect. For instance, having meals around the same time, naps around the same time and structure for school work will all be very beneficial.

Breathe, really breathe. Take a deep breath from down in your diaphragm. Count to 3 while you inhale. Pause for 4, and exhale for 5. Do it again. Slowly. Do this throughout the day as a way to really check in with yourself and to practice being aware of your breath and your body. 

Exercise. Find ways to move your body. Even if it’s for 15 minutes. Stretch, do yoga or do high-intensity exercises that don’t require a gym or equipment. Youtube has endless amounts of free exercises you can do from home.

Stay connected. Lastly, social distancing doesn’t mean disconnection. We thankfully live in a time where we have significant access to technology, which means we have the ability to stay socially connected through FaceTime, Snapchat, Facebook, phone calls, texting and so forth. Maybe even consider writing and mailing a letter to someone you love. A nice surprise is for someone during a time of forced separation. So while we may need to be physically distancing ourselves from one another, let’s not allow that to translate to being socially disconnected. Be intentional. Reach out, say hi and stay connected.

This is a great opportunity for us to model for our kids how we can respond in times of crisis. Remember the days of saying “I don’t have enough time?” We can use this “new and temporary norm”  as an intentional way to think about how we spend the time we now have. 

Amanda Wetzel is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. She is a full-time therapist working with families to improve their quality of life in the home, school, and community. Amanda has experience working with children, adolescents and adults. Her areas of focus include posttraumatic stress, other trauma or stressor-related disorders, adjustment disorders, stress management, depression, and anxiety.

Letters with Laikyn

Letters From Laikyn

Therapy. Say it with me….THER-a-pee. Merriam-Webster defines it as “therapeutic treatment especially of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorder” with synonyms listed as “antidote, corrective, curative, cure-all, answer, solution, panacea”. 

I believe in the definition, but not the synonyms. It’s not a one-stop shop where your nervous system is hooked up to a machine that can diagnose all the details of your life on a finely printed piece of paper, listing the cost to repair or replace each part. Instead, you are your own mechanic, wringing your oil covered hands against a used towel as you nervously consult a manual (or YouTube) as you tweak, and change, and tighten, and batten down whatever is loose within you. Now all that work doesn’t guarantee that you will ride out the storm every time. With each deluge comes damage, and dents, and dings, and scratches, but most important are the things not visible to the eye. Belts are whining, and pads are squealing, and liquids are drained. Once again, you get out that towel, pop the hood and dedicate time to see what’s happening on the inside. 

The definition of therapy for me is “for the betterment of the innards.” My synonym for it is “hope”. I hope that by using this tool, I will learn to speak to myself kindly, to treat myself respectfully, and to trust my gut. In turn, I hope I will then speak to others kindly, treat them respectfully, and trust the ones I love. This therapy is not an easy process. It’s hard and dirty and beautiful and brutal and frustrating and  a run on sentence of adjectives that never stop. But it has saved my life. In full disclosure, I use therapy with other modalities, and as with any such treatment, each plan is individual. I encourage you to look inside the Kelly Blue Book of your heart and find your worth. 

In this world of social smedia (that was actually a typo, but I’m going to keep it, because BEST SUBCONSIOUS DESCRIPTION EVER) it’s easy to fall prey to the idea that older, imperfect models can’t be fixed, and trading in for an upgrade is the easy way.  I won’t speak for you, my friends, but I have no interest in “easy”.  I am interested in the man in the arena. 

A quick history lesson folks….On April 23, 1910 Theodore Roosevelt gave his “Citizenship in a Republic” Speech, which states in part….

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”.

For those starting out in the self help world, I recommend books by Brene Brown, PhD. For those too busy for books, I recommend audiobooks by Brene Brown PhD. But only if they are read by her…she has a sweet, southern drawl and a laugh so infectious I can’t help but laugh with her. They aren’t heavy, but carry some serious truth bombs. For those ready to dig deeper, I recommend One Wellness and Counseling….because the credit belongs to the man in the arena. 

Love and light, 

Laikyn

P.S.- Also full disclosure, I don’t know SHIT about cars. Any error in the analogies above is fully mine, and I don’t know that YouTube is better than a mechanic. 

The Contract

The Contract

Very often couples come into therapy as a “last resort” or to say to themselves they did everything they could. When I hear couples say that, I ask them “If this is the case are you open to this process, a process that may change you and/or your dynamic with your spouse?

I explain to couples in the very first session that marriage is a set up. You pick a day and in front of your family and friends you promise the world to each other not knowing what the world has in store for you. You promise things like, for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. I tell my clients to go home and write out their marriage vows like a contract and read through it and see if they would sign it.  There are a lot of things in that contract that are not defined or spelled out. 

Maybe a broad contract like that in the beginning suited you both well. As time goes on we grow as individuals, life circumstances change and people interact with each other differently and than go ahead and add a little stress like family of origin, finances and children. Marriage tends to be one of the only contracts in life that we don’t openly renegotiate. Like other contracts in our lives whether it is a lease or mortgage most contracts have times limits on them. Time limits so you can revaluate if the terms are working for you or not at the place you are in your life. Our marital contract should be no different. I encourage couples to define their marital contract. What is working for you? What is not working for you? What has worked for you in the past that is not currently working? Our marital contract should be a working framework and ongoing conversation . We should change and update what is being renegotiated in the contract and updated things as our lives change, as we change. 

If your marriage is not working for you that is a good indication that you need to renegotiate the terms of your contract. Sometimes redeveloping the framework can help other things fall into place. By redeveloping the framework it is possible to increase and improve communication, break negative or repetitive cycles. It is possible to find opportunity in the middle of a crisis. 

This has always been a good place to start with couples who have had so much happen they are not sure where to start. It allows them to think about what would make them happy in the marriage if it were to change. How they may feel differently if those changes were mutually agreed upon with their spouse. 

I have met couples who are so discouraged they do not believe change is even possible.  I tell them if both of them are willing to try they have a pretty good shot at things being better. The only time I have ever seen marriage not work out is when you have one person who is not willing to try. 

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.

Communication Road Blocks

Communication Roadblocks:

In the last blog, I talked about the importance of effective communication in helping decrease family conflicts and dysfunction. I said that “active listening” is one of the most important elements of good communication. This month, I would like to discuss some common Communication Roadblocks. Roadblocks prevent effective communication and can make disagreements or conflicts worse. Recognizing when you are contributing to poor communication by doing these roadblocks will help you learn to express your thoughts and feelings more effectively and open the lines of communication between you and your loved ones.

1. Blaming or accusing: Finding someone “guilty” even before you hear the other person’s side. “It’s your fault that this happened”.
2. Interrupting: Cutting in with your own comments before the other person has a chance to finish talking.
3. Threatening: Trying to intimidate someone to make them do what you want.
4. Mind-Reading: Jumping to conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.
5. Sarcasm: Suggesting that you don’t believe what the other person is saying or saying something to try and “one up” the other person.
6. Name calling and insulting: Enough said…if you are calling someone a name or insulting them, you are not trying to effectively communicate with them or resolve a conflict. You are letting them know that you don’t respect them or care about what they are saying.
7. Sweeping generalizations: Putting someone in a defensive position by exaggerating their behavior. This occurs when you use words like “always” “never” “every time”.
8. Judging: Assuming an air of being on a “higher level”.
9. Changing the subject: Not keeping to the point of an argument shows that you are not interested in what the other person is saying.

I frequently review these common roadblocks with families and couples when I am teaching communication skills and trying to help them learn how to effectively resolve their conflicts. When you begin to pay attention to these roadblocks, I think you will be surprised to learn how frequently you may use them. For example, I know that my son does not always leave his clothes on the floor of the room…it just feels that way sometimes ☺

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

Communication Skills

I have been working with families for over 20 years. I have come to realize that a lack of effective communication is at the center of most negative family conflicts. Disagreements are natural and they are not the problem. The dysfunction arises when family members do not believe that their opinions are being heard or respected. Active Listening is one of the most important elements of good communication. To be most effective, a listener should show interest and empathy in what the speaker is saying. Here are some tips to you about an issue or concern they have:

1. Validate: Show your positive feelings about the other person talking to you. Example: “I am really glad that we are talking about his”.
2. Paraphrase: Repeat in your own words what you think the speaker is saying to check for facts and meaning. Example: “So what you are telling me is that you are angry that your brother took your bike”.
3. Reflect: Repeat the main ideas and feelings that the speaker has expressed. Example: “I can tell that you are really angry about this…”
4. Clarify: Ask questions to help you clearly understand what the speaker is saying. Example: “Can you explain to me again what she did to upset you?”
5. Pay Attention: Use encouraging phrases like “right” “yes” “sure” “go on” and nonverbal cues like nodding and making eye contact. This lets the speaker know that you are interested in what they are saying. 
6. Listen for feelings: Try and understand the feelings behind what the person is saying. This is even more important that the words they are saying. Tell the person “It sounds as though you are feeling…”

The next time a conflict arises in your home, try these tips to actively listen before you react or respond. You may be surprised by how positively the other person will respond and you may even be able to stop a conflict from escalating. 

Amie Majernik is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who has extensive experience working with couples, depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist at One Counseling and Wellness.  

HOW ONE SMALL CHANGE CAN GREATLY IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

A 30 DAY WELLNESS CHALLENGE

Small lifestyle changes are often a catalyst for big life changes.  I am always encouraging people to make one small change and see how it affects them.  It is a hard concept for people to wrap their minds around.  I sometimes need reminders myself and recently had a big light bulb moment in my own life of how true this can be.

I gave up gluten for 30 days because of some stomach and skin issues I was having.  I had heard that more and more people were having gluten sensitivities and that many people suffer from “wheat belly” and do not even realize that they feel awful because the way wheat is processed in the foods we eat.  

I was really not excited about this but with my face breaking out at the age of 38 and having stomach aches all the time…it was definitely worth a try.  I tried to keep an open mind and experiment with gluten free recipes.  In the end I realized that I felt so much better off the gluten that it was totally worth the change of diet and I plan to make limiting gluten a permanent lifestyle change.

What I was not expecting was that making this one change in my life would have a domino effect that it did in other areas.  I’m thrilled that my face has cleared up and my stomach no longer aches on a daily basis.  But I have also learned so much more by allowing myself to go through this process.

For 30 days I really had to pay attention to what situations I would normally, mindlessly eat or drink things that are bad for me (not just because of the gluten).  I started noticing all the times I would have had a beer, a cookie, a slice of pizza or a piece of garlic bread.  It was a constant daily effort to say no to the things I would normally mindlessly eat and drink just because it had become a habit.  Like most people, I would “reward” myself with food or drink during or after a stressful day.  What I did not fully realize was that it was actually making me feel worse and giving me less energy.

I had to find other outlets for stress during the 30 days.  I started exercising more, reading more and talking to my husband about my stressors.  I began drinking water and herbal tea at night and ditching the after work cocktail.  I also started playing more with my kids because my energy was increasing in general.  Not only did I start feeling physically better, I started feeling better emotionally and more connected to the people I care about.

I’m not suggesting that everyone needs to give up gluten.  But for most of us, there is a small change we could make that would trigger some big improvements in life.  I challenge everyone who is looking for a jump start to leading a happier life to pick ONE small thing to change or try.  Stick to it for 30 days and notice what happens in your life.  Below is a list of things you could consider trying (just pick one or come up with your own).  I would love to hear about what you decided to change and how it impacted your life.  Feel free to post about it on our Facebook page or in our comment section.

GOOD LUCK AND LIVE WELL☺

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day for 30 days.
2. Stay off social media or TV for 30 days.
3. Go on a 30 minute walk everyday for 30 days.
4. Write in a journal once a day for 30 days.
5. Compliment your spouse once a day for 30 days.
6. Play one 15 minute game with your kids each day for 30 days.
7. Eat a salad for lunch every day for 30 days.
8. Meditate for 5 minutes a day for 30 days.
9. Do a random act of kindness everyday for 30 days.
10.   Write down three positive things that happen each day for 30 days.

Maggie Bagley is a licensed clinical social worker who has extensive experience working with children with Autism, ADHD, anxiety and behavioral disorders. She is a therapist and owner at One Counseling and Wellness.

MASSAGE

Common Massage Myths

Myths are widely held but false beliefs or ideas. I am here to debunk some common myths about massage. 

Myth: A massage has to hurt to be effective.

Truth: No, a massage does not have to hurt to be effective; the no pain, no gain philosophy isn’t used here. You should never be in pain while getting a massage. Some people may experience discomfort while getting such treatments like deep tissue massage; but there is a difference between pain and discomfort.  If your therapist is inflicting pain, please say so immediately. They can adjust the pressure to your liking. 

Myth: A sign of a good massage is next-day soreness.

Truth: Soreness is no indication of how good a massage is. Some people may be sore after their first massage or if they've haven’t had one for a while. They may be sore after a particular muscle has been worked on. The tight muscle or muscle knot has been stretched and loosened. The muscle isn’t use to it and it gets sore. It’s just like exercising. Now you should never be so sore that you're in bed the next day. One way to reduce soreness is to drink water. This leads us to another myth.

Myth: As long as I feel fine, there's no need to drink water after a massage.

Truth: Drinking water after a massage reduces soreness and keeps our muscles hydrated. As I said before, muscles getting stretched and loosened is just like a workout. When a person goes to the gym; during or after exercising they drink water to stay hydrated. It’s the same for our muscles. 

Myth: Massage flushes toxins out of the body

Truth: No, massage does not flush toxins out of the body. A healthy body has a pretty efficient way of dealing with its metabolic wastes; they get reused, repurposed, stored away safely or eliminated. The body doesn’t need a massage for this. If massages did flush toxins out of the body, therapists would/should be trained in what toxins are flushed. Therapists are not trained in this. Some might argue that massage removes lactic acid. Recent research shows us that lactic acid is a fuel, not a waste product. The body creates lactic acid and removes it after the body is done with it.  A massage manipulates muscles and surrounding tissues to stretch and lengthen them. It has nothing to do with the release of toxins. 

Melissa Mickle is a licensed massage therapist; she is part of the Wellness team at One.

November 17, 2013- Coping After the Storm

It was a Sunday with a high wind warning.

What seemed like moments, it was here and than it was gone. Not before leaving a path of destruction.

It was not only a path of destruction of homes but displacements of lives.

Whether you lost your home or not, you knew not just one person but many that did.

If you talk to some of the people who lost their homes it went from shock to salvage to adjusters, finding a place to live, fulfilling basic needs.....picking up the pieces.

So what do you do from here?

Here are a few tips for yourself and your children in the attempt to regain a sense of normalcy.

1. Break things down into manageable pieces. Not only for you children but for yourself. Life on a good day can be overwhelming. Make sure you are not setting yourself up to be stressed out.
If you are a lister, no more than three things on your do to list at any given time.
Putting more on a list than you know you can handle at any given point is a set up.

2. Allow yourself time. A lot has been in the media about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What people may be experiencing now is called an Acute Stress Reaction. That is considered "normal" for the first 4 to 5 weeks after a traumatic event. If you find that you or your child are experiencing prolonged symptoms past the five week mark that would be the appropriate time to seek out a mental health professional .

3. Be consistent. Even if you pick one thing a day to be consistent about with yourself or your children. We all crave some sort of routine and structure. Eat dinner together or get back into your work out routine.

4. Understand that creating your new normal is going to take time, adjust and learn new coping skills to help cope with your new normal.

5. Be aware that every one reacts and processes traumatic events differently. You or someone you know may be acting out of character but no one can say for sure how they will act under extreme stress or life altering situations.

6. Be factual. Children ask questions they are emotionally ready to hear the answers to. We as adults want them to understand and so we tend to over explain. Before you respond to a question think about what they are aksing you.

7. Everyone has a different tolerance level and copes differently. In the context of a relationship or in a family there needs to be enough tolerance so that everyone can process and cope in their own way.
If you feel like things are off with the ones you love, talk to them about it.

When something like a natural disaster or a life altering event happens you start off in survival mode (what do I need to do to provide for my basic needs, food, clothing, shelter, money, identification etc). After survival mode, which we are all starting to come out of, you become exhausted from handling the logistics of everything that needs to be tended to (mail pick up, canceling utilities, cancel trash pick up, etc). These tasks are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Self care is extremely important. Take breaks from it, eat right, get rest, do something fun and completely non related to what has happened. It is okay to "check out" of life for a little while as long as you "check back " in.

If you find yourself pulling away from others that is the time to reach out to others, widen your circle and let people in.

If you find that after the 4-5 week mark you are still have symptoms that are bothering you or disrupting your lifestyle or causing conflicts in your relationships that would be the appropriate time to talk to a mental health professional.

Jori Sparry is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her expertise includes working with traumatic life events, post traumatic stress disorder, marital and family issues, blended family issues, divorce, infertility, families with multiples, depression, anxiety, and with military service members and their families.